Journal 9

If someone asked me what makes life worthwhile, I would try to be honest as possible...without crying...and tell them Love is what makes life worthwhile. I am a strong believer that Love is the answer to most problems, and is the cure for most heartache. When people are loved, feel love, or learn to love, their whole life changes and they honestly become this better, more happy and genuine person. When you learn to love, you've probably experienced a time when you haven't felt love and you remember the pain and the physical hurt it caused inside of you. I know you have to have some bad experiences in order to feel the true joy, happiness and contentment that comes when you feel real love. When you experience heartbreak, and it hurts so much, and then when you've had someone rescue you and healed your heart back into one whole piece, then you know how amazing Love is. It can bring people out of the deepest despair and darkest abysses. And change people's lives 180 degrees if they let it and and want it. When everyone feels loved and appreciated then things seem to go right and be right because they are full of love and joy. Now they can help the next sad, lonely, angry or odd person who comes along.  There is love for everyone in the world, because there are so many different ways to give and feel love! It makes everything worthwhile, everyone stronger and so much happier. The Beatles said it perfect: "All you need is Love)and I completely agree.

-Kayla Pennington

Journal 8

When I grow up...(I love that I still say that)...I want to be a nurse, and a mother. I am 22 years old and I'm still working on both. When I was younger, I wanted to be a singer, just like the Spice Girls. Then my goal changed to become a hair dresser, with my own salon in my house. Somewhere between 10 and 11 years old, I found out I wanted to a Nurse. I think I must have watched a movie or figured out that my Uncle Kelly was a nurse. He must have told me what his job entailed and I wanted to be a nurse too. I was hooked and tried to find out the fastest way to get that RN certificate. I became a CNA in my junior year of high school, and took some college credit courses to get a bit ahead when I finally got to college. When I started college, I enrolled as a nursing major and it went downhill from there. I took some theater classes, some art classes, some dance classes and I got completely side tracked. All of the sudden I had all of these fun talents that I immensely enjoyed cultivating! I ended up changing my major to Photography. I really loved it (and still do). It made me feel talented and with all the weddings and high schoolers and babies being born in Utah, I wanted in on that monopoly! I know people who make great money doing just one wedding a week. I wanted a job like that, so I changed my whole path in life and bought a very nice camera and all the gadgets that go along with it. Such as: Photoshop, Bridge, Lightroom, and that extremely expensive lenses. I honestly know I was trying to run away from Nursing. Not only was I intimidated by the competition, but I did not feel special or unique anymore. Everyone (it seems) in Utah wants to do nursing because they all have the same goal as me...(Go figure.) Many girls/women in Utah want to be nurses so they can also be mothers. So unfortunately for me, the "boat" is awfully crowded. I graduated with an Associate degree from Utah Valley University (with no emphasis because I had such a weir amount of random credits.)I thought I was done with school, ready to get a job and have a baby while my husband went to Law school. We moved to Arizona, and after months of interviews, I got a job at an Optometrists office. I worked there for 2.5 months and realized that I wanted to be a Nurse! I didn't want to settle for a random associate degree. I started asking around and found out that the "boat" here is very much less crowded and saturated. So I signed up for classes at a community college that feeds into Arizona State University (ASU) and began in January of 2012. I just finished that first semester  with a 4.0 in 15 credits...That has not happened since 8th grade!  I think I have a fighting chance to do this nursing thing. I believe in myself and know now that I really do want to do it, and I am not being pressured by the staggering number of nursing majors in Utah. I love taking care of people, and I love the medication/IV part of nursing. I have been a Certified Nursing Assistant for 5 years now and I'm really getting tired of being bottom of the medical totem pole, the "Scum." (in reference to the scum in the card game, Scum...if you haven't played it...play it.) I am ready for more responsibility and new tasks, and the next step is to get into nursing school, to get a BSN, and become a Registered Nurse. I will stop at nothing to accomplish this goal and now i know that if you really want something, you can get it if you put the right amount of heart, soul, and effort into it. ALWAYS pursue your dreams. 


-Kayla

Journal 7

What causes or issues do you have strong opinions about? Oh! How women are so disrespected? I think so! I loathe the fact that many women are treated like a piece of candy. It is affecting women's self esteem everywhere in so many ways because once they get treated this way, it seems to be this horrible downwards spiral and they just escape from. I love watching old movies with Audrey Hepburn and Julie Andrews, because the men are such gentlemen. They treat women like precious jewels and I love that! I am grateful for the Women's Suffrage movement, and that we can have equal rights to men, but I do think we hurt ourselves in the fact that we didn't want to be treated like jewels. We wanted to be able to stand up for ourselves, prove our intelligence, have our voices be heard and such. However, I know some men who are completely turned off by women who are really independent or are women activists. I think women who are strong and confident are amazing, but when the roles of men and women start becoming reversed, therein lies the problem! The role of a man is so special and can be so wonderful if he knows what the responsibility entails. I think when women try to take on some of those qualities or privileges that man has, it changes something for women everywhere. Suddenly women  and their attributes are taken for granted and treated like men instead of the opposite gender that we are. It sounds like I'm putting women down, but I'm not trying to! I just think men need to men and women need to be women. It is the natural order of things and if you throw something perfect off, it just keeps making bigger and bigger changes further away from the perfect thing it started as. I think a solution that could mend this colossal problem is that women need to be taught to have respect for themselves! These girls who get caught in this trap of disrespect and low self esteem don't think they deserve a good man but they do!! Unfortunately, some girls which do get treated like a princesses and often times abuse the privilege which sadly ruins it for all the other women. No body likes being made to look a fool, but everyone in this world is just so darn self interested! What happened to people putting others first before themselves?? I swear people are so selfish in this era and everything that is appealing to the human race puts the individual first! "Making sure you are happy and content before everyone around you is..." What is that?? Whoever started this myth is obviously out to ruin people. That has never worked in the whole history of humanity! When people put themselves before their fellow man, they become prideful and selfish, and everything snowballs into this awfully sad and selfish race of human beings that currently presides on this Earth. I have been taught, since I was very small that if you feel dejected, melancholy, or infuriated at something or someone, go and do something for someone else! Go help someone who needs it, do some service and give hope and happiness to those around you! Things will seem so much better, and your heart and attitude will change for the better. I have done this time and time again and it works every time. If everyone could start thinking this way, I think most problems in this crazy world would disappear. Sadly, I know it is hard to start spreading such things on such a large scale. The world is too prideful and selfish to even except this sort of ideology, I suppose. Most likely people think I'm evil or something absurd for writing this in the first place, but all I know is that when I serve others when I'm feeling down, and try to smile and be kind to everyone I see, that the world seems better and that dark cloud of disappointment clears away and reveals blue skies! Treating others the way you want to be treated is the oldest advice since the beginning of time and unfortunately, I think that crucial wisdom has been lost among the billions of people who inhabit this world. I don't know how to change it, but I will never stop trying to be an example of what I wish and desire the world to be like. 

-Kayla 

Journal 6

Tired eyes, grumbling stomach, unbearable craving, heavy shoulders from the weight of my backpack. Frazzled brain, lethargic movements, struggling to get the key in the lock. Get inside and kick off my blue and purple plaid Keds. My orange, high school worn, JanSport backpack sails through the air and onto the couch. My legs carry me over to the freezer and as the freezer door is finally open, my eager fingers grasp the thing that has been driving me to get through lecture and lab today. The luscious, creamy, melt-in-your-mouth Cadbury Dairy Milk Caramello bar of milk chocolate. Frozen in the freezer is the best way to eat it, because the outside is slightly crunchy while the inside is the smooth flowing caramel that tempts me all through class. My relationship with this bar of chocolate is, safe to say.... Obsessive and probably bizarre. I think about it all day, even when I am seconds away from letting my droopy eyelids finally stay shut during class. I will still run out to my car just to get home one minute faster to get that delectable, mouth watering, eat the whole thing in 2 minutes if I'm not careful, caramel chocolate bar into my mouth. I used to love Skittles and Starbursts. However, in my old age of 22 I have switched over almost entirely to chocolate, with the exception of a succulent Swedish Fish on occasion. What can I say? I have become my mother! Why not obsess over something that brings such contentment and serenity into your life after a hard day at school...or work...or shopping?  I like to say:

"When life gets hard to stand....grab a bar of chocolate." 

You had it right all along mother. 

-Kayla

Journal 5

My whole childhood life, my dad was awake and playing basketball at 5 am. I never heard him leave, but later in the day when I had to go collect the laundry for my mom, I picked up his sweaty shorts and stinky socks with as little contact with my fingers as possible and threw them into the hamper. They were always hanging on the chair next to the hamper, so I knew he'd played basketball that morning. I knew my dad was up because the smell of burnt toast would slowly waft into my nostrils and enter my groggy head of dreams. My stomach began to complain about being empty, growling and churning, and pretty soon.....BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!!!!! There goes the smoke alarm! I'd pop up in bed still groggy and disoriented, and stumble out of bed and down the stairs. And low and behold, I saw smoking toast on the cutting board and my dad fanning the smoke alarm with a red frilly pillow. This was the usual morning routine of my childhood. Since I went off to college, got married, and now live in Phoenix, AZ, I never get awakened by that smell of toast unless I am staying with my parents back home in Utah. When we go to visit, instead of the startling awakening I used to get from the sudden bout of hunger, and screeching smoke alarm, I wake up with a smile and a laugh. My husband just about jumps out his pj's still, but we both end up laughing. When I was younger my family used to joke around that if we ever had a real fire starting to devour our house, and the smoke alarm was going off, none of us would get up! It would just be the same burnt toast smell and the smoke alarm. Thankfully, our house never burned and we were safe. Now I just awaken when the sun starts peeking through the blinds right into my heavily closed eyelids. It starts getting hot in our bedroom and I have to get up and turn the fan on because it is only 5 am! I should probably invest in getting one of those sleep masks. Waking up in Arizona is so much different than waking up in Utah. In Utah you wake up in the dark, frost on your windows, and a chill in the air. You have to roll out of bed and immediately get wrapped up in a robe and slippers. In Arizona, the bright sunlight wakes you up at 5 am, and you wake up sweaty with every fan in your house blowing on full speed. A bright warm awakening is fine with me as long as I can look forward to the cold chill and smoke alarm when I go home to visit my dear family. 

-Kayla

Journal 4

When I think about my childhood days, two girls come to mind. Jessa Brocklebank and Jessica McCoy. There were more than that but I have the most memories with those two. Jessa had this gorgeous golden brown hair that naturally waived all over the place. Her big brown eyes were always smiling, unless she was throwing a tantrum. Which occurred quite often, and usually ended up with me having to go home. :) She was a ballerina and had the coolest dress ups. She still looks the same, except an older, jaw dropping, ravishing version of younger self. We played the best games of pretend and were convinced we were the new Mary Kate and Ashley detectives. She reminds me of fairies, jungle girls, Asthma attacks and treatments, cowboy boots, horses eating out my hands and the brown goat ramming Jessa in the bum.(Thats a whole other story for another time!) Spice girls, cherry cordials, Mary Kate & Ashley, hot chocolate and swimsuits in the shower, Disneyland, Cats the musical, and Cher. Jessica with her short brown hair, her beautiful brown eyes, and best crayon coloring talent that every kid wants. She had the funniest laugh when we were little. She still looks pretty much like her tiny seven year old self, except in an older, more stunningly gorgeous adult way. She reminds me of the candy store, Crayola crayons, huts in the church parking lot, peanut butter and banana sandwiches under the big tree, waffles, strawberry jam, the blue elephant slide, eating green onions from her garden, turning Popsicle sticks into lip and eyeliner, and the flower made beauty products from the backyard. All of these things were the most fun and innocent times of my life. Not a care in the world, just strawberry jam and Disneyland. I love this particular Disneyland memory because even at age seven I knew this was the funniest thing I had ever seen. We were in the Disneyland hotel and we just woke up to go spend the day in Disneyland. I was trying to do my hair, but I didn't know how to curl my bangs yet, so they were just hanging in my eyes and I was tring to do something with the rest of it. Jessa came to brush her teeth and as were were both standing there, she starts to brush. Suddenly, this totally confused, disgusted look comes over her face and her hand slowly stops and she just sits there with this toothbrush sitting against her front teeth. Just then, her mom comes rushing in and says, "Oh, make sure you get the toothpaste from the right bag!" (or something to that affect.) Jessa's eyes fill up with tears, she starts crying and her mom starts laughing because she just realized Jessa had confused the white tube of Preparation H with the white tube of Crest toothpaste! I started laughing too, because even though I didn't know what Preparation H was used for at the time, I knew it was something you didn't want to be brushing  your teeth with! Oh my gosh...best story ever! And now that I'm older and understand the use of Preparation H, I can only imagine how hilarious it must have been to her mom and dad at the time! Now all the trips to the candy store in the neighborhood probably was the cause of all my cavities. Jessica and I went there all the time, because her brother Dave would send her on candy errands for his personal stash. So it was the perfect excuse for us to go and spend all of our allowance on a whole bag of candy. Which was kept secret from my mother of course. That candy was the most important part of our day! If we didn't have our candy, we couldn't play our normal games because the game just needed to have the right amount of sweetness. I'll never forget the one day at Jessica's house when I was standing in her kitchen and her mom had been baking. I was messing around as usual and stepped backward with my one leg and stuck my foot right into the huge bucket of flour that her mom was using. Just as flour does, it poofed up around me and my whole leg and and their whole floor was covered in flour. Her mom was probably so mad at me, but Jessica and I were laughing our heads off! Truly "It was the best of times, and it was the worst of times"...worst for the flour. The moral of this story is: Always check the toothpaste tube to make sure it is actually toothpaste, and never step take a giant step backward into anything while baking in the kitchen.  

-Kayla

Journal 3

Last night I made sushi with some friends. mmmm...I love sushi. The creamy avocado, the crisp cucumber, the cream cheese crab, and the sticky rice on the seaweed. Ah, so tasty. Oh and let us not forget the sesame seeds and soy sauce and rice vinegar. Its all part of one the best meals one might ever have the pleasure of tasting.  So far I've only been brave enough to make a california roll but its so delicious I'm ok with just that! I have to go thte Chinese market by my house to get everything I need, and its the best store ever. Its reminds me of the actual Chinese market streets we walked through when I went to Toronto, Canada. Raw meat hanging on strings in the windows, pig heads, pig hooves, ducks, huge catfish swimming in an open tank of water. Ah...the memories. The smell is what reminds me the most, probably. It is especially pungent. When you go to a place with loads of Chinese people, the smell is like a fishy/fruity/something spicy/bubble tea smell. I was holding my breath when we went into one of my brother's convert's houses there in Tornonto, but I had never smelled that weird mixture of food in my life! I had to become a mouth breather in that tiny kitchen, and now I feel so bad about it because I walk in to the Chinese market here and the smell hits me, and I love that smell. Its the funniest thing because the first time I walked in there, a employee came right over to me and asked me if he could help me. I had my recipe in hand, with notes all over it, and pictures of the exact ingredients. The friendly man took the recipe and got me a cart and started leading me around the store putting everything I needed in my cart and told me the best brands, and what was cheap but really the best. I just basically pushed my cart and followed him around, trying to make out his broken english. This last time I went, they just waved to me. I've been in there that many times that I apparently look seasoned.  I'm a seasoned Chinese market shopper and no longer required to be lead around the store by an employee. I feel strangely proud...and so thankful I went to Toronto and smelled those smells and saw the markets with the meat, and the foreign, pokey, colorful fruit. The bubble tea, the red bean buns, and most importantly the fish sauce smell that gives the air the surety of being engulfed by Chinese people who love to cook. 


-Kayla

Journal 2

I just realized I was making a McDonald's hamburger. Trying to decide what to write about. I was having one of those low self esteem days that come right before your period. Ugh...So I am being over sensitive about everything. But my teacher made me so mad today. He is such a jerk, and in your face, "I know way more than you" kind of way. He makes me feel like I'm in 7th grade with those teachers that hate you and just make your life awful for no reason at all except that your a 7th grader and they hate all 7th graders. Even though you might not be the average 7th grader. Ugh.......Why do you have to flaunt your intelligence in my face? I KNOW your a doctor for crying out loud. You know way more than me of course! But why do you make me feel bad for asking a question that I really want the answer to, and basically tell me that was a stupid question and then say to the whole class, "there are no stupid questions." Why do I have to respect him for being a "professor" when he doesn't show me respect for being a student??? I could just be one of the other ignorant people out in the world, but I'm trying to better my life and my family's life, and he makes me feel like an idiot. I'm so mad at him. I almost said well sorry for asking and thank you for making me feel like unintelligent, that was great. But I know that doesn't sound smart enough. I need to come up with something really awesome and super educated and say it on the last day of class. He'd never expect it from me because he thinks I'm just this quiet girl who does all of her homework. Why do doctors have those God complexes....who cares if they know about the body. Most doctors give you all the wrong tests before they give you the right one anyways. I just saw this show on Netflix and they said the U.S has the 2nd highest infant mortality rate in the world because of the fact that less than 1% of women in this country use a midwife. Most use a OBGYN and sadly a lot of dying moms and babies! That makes me not want to be a doctor right there. They're so haughty.....some of them anyways. That felt good to get out. I'm not so mad anymore. Writing is like this secret friend you can yell at and cry to and tell your funniest jokes to and it will never react any differently then you want it to. 


-Kayla

Journal 1

When I think of the self I actually think about where I was in high school when I took a class like this compared to what I feel about myself now. I can't believe how different I am and How much my personality has changed and been effected by the things I have expereienced just in the amount of 5 years. I think if I met myself today and was my 17 year old self, I would well I don't know if I would like myself because I used to be so judgemental and close minded...thats so embarrassing to admit. I really was sheltered. But not because of my parents, because I was afraid to do things that would make me stand out too much, or take control of a situation or just being a truly confident person, which I feel I have a good start at becoming. I guess that is what they call growing up. It makes me sad, but not sad at the same time. I went through some rough stuff, some hard, horribel things that I had only hear of people experiencing. I never could truly have empathy for people because I didn't know anything even close to that sort of emotional trauma. I used to think people were so wimpy or scared but really, that was me... I think those people who are strong and confident are the ones that have had to find it in themselves to get through something hard. what ever it is, it was hard for them and that build up different emotions and experiences inside themselves. It shaped them and gave the inner secret of their own strength. I  like tot think I have gone through that sort of a revamping. Found out things I never thought I could do...never dreamed of doing and didn't know that I even wanted.I really like who I am, and wht I can do, and I surprise myself (and my husband ) about things I can whip out and accomplish. I'm happy, and I think it will really contribute to me being a great mother. I actually kind of love that about myself....I know my old self would just be totally shocked and intimidated by my new self...but would secretly wish to be just like her. now that I think about it, my older sister was kind of like my older self at the time. She new things, and talked about experiences and things I'd never even thought about and was so confident in her own standards and opinions...I was amazing by her and wanted to be like her. I guess I actually ended up following her, although it was almost by force. Bo dying wasn't something I chose...that change was forced upon me and  and brought out this totally new side of myself I would have never guessed was inside of me. I like how life can change you for the better if you let it. You can certainly take any other road from your expereinces, but the one that actually makes you a better person in many different aspects...thats the one I think should always be chosen.

- Kayla